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Here I am again. Back to morning pages. Okay, so I didn’t do them over the weekend, but I didn’t eat sleep or exersize over the weekend either. I sooo shouldn’t have played final fantasy for so long. The graphics aren’t as good as they could be, but the gameplay’s a good laugh. All my little niggles go into this then I make lists. One list this time is going to be stuff to say to Fliss. Like calling up zippy and shit. Weird, I had that little confidence dream. That was pretty much insane. I can’t wait till willow and Tara get it on. They’re just friends right now, but there’s got to be a day when willow actually realises. That’s the episode I’m waiting for. And Jesus Christ comics are soooo shit. Since when was there a golden age? Golden shite more like, it was all absolute crap. God, I hope I don’t write like that, that would be awful. I hope my story is going somewhere. Somewhere good, actually. It needs a massive climax I think. Maybe not, maybe with all the story lines it’ll become like that big book, by that guy, ohhh, all about that country, stand on Zanzibar and stuff. Maybe I’ll just pad it out with weird news items, like, yawner put in prison for disrupting office environments. Bum dom and such  or maybe I’ll blitz em with weird science. Instead of veggies in computers it’ll be man made building materials into nano or computers, concrete is best material to incubate nanobots. Hmm anyway, these are morning pages not bloody cliff notes, I should ask felicity what to write on em- yup that goes on the list. Wasn’t it that they’re just about whatever? You just HAVE to write for 3 pages? God that’s a lot. Jesus I don’t know if I can manage it. And I, think, think, I’m getting good at imitating peoples voices. Lets hope hey? I’d love to be able to do that, a good old Irish accent would be brilliant. Like the brit in Go!, but he was the mad energetic one, pretty against type then.  But should we claim responsibility for murdering Indians on the coast. I can’t remember why I wanted too? Hmm , I have a feeling it should annoy the Americans. Will this fucking computer stop underlining my type? Oh yeah and that whole, normal underneath, weird on top thing, maybe that’s felicity, that’s why she attracts freaks, they buzz like flies around her normality. Is that why I have a big thing against it? Is it proof I have a thing about normalcy? I don’t know, I’ll have to let it simmer for a while longer, before I even understand what’s going on. Final fantasy is good sure, but there’s not much role-playing involved, it’s mainly fighting and just following the signs. The characters, or rather the players should fell compelled to do as they should rather than not have the option. It should be motivated my emotion, not by anything else. Get them griped with a big bit of character interaction, then kill that person and off they go on revenge. Same as a book. Perhaps a quick shag will get some player involvement as well. Nobody ever experiments with these things. The saving plan was good though. Maybe less control would be good. Have the program save the game and not allow them to restart from a mid position, just let them keep incrementing the time. No getting it right, that’s a feature of bad control systems. They should practise in the gym if they ain’t sure.  You’d have to beta test it to see if it annoyed the fuck out of the players. And about zippy, he didn’t think date did he? He better not have. So What am I going to do tonight? Nails, for sure, final fantasy? Probably, download the rest of genesis? Yep, but when can I do it? I’ve got to get to bed early tonight? (Why? ) And I didn’t see Hilary swank win her Oscar either. Damn damn. I should really go see that film, but I ain’t sure. And Jesus Christ. Wanting to know people doesn’t extend to Helen bailey. Worse fears confirmed and all that, except she wasn’t social at all, less than me and shit, that’s not a lot. Jesus Christ, is that what all the popular group grow up to be like or is it just those two, they couldn’t have been more impolite if they had tried. I’m never going out with them again. Polite or not, drink or not. What complete bitches. As that goes on and on, damn them. I should try forming opinions while on pro plus. That would be interesting... Hmm, take the laptop back. Off I go... Dam this skirt is tight. How am I supposed to write for three pages? Is this doing any good? I probably need to do it for  a week at least before I see any benefit. Should I try and write tonight? Where is dex? Damn him! What should I wear tomorrow? Hmmm.... 8*). Well at least I am doing them, if nicky had her way I would be out with her every lunchtime. It’s such a hassle getting to the sports club and back. Can’t she expand her mind in private? Why don’t people have their own lives? And graham, that was weird shit no? All that mumbling, I’m glad he liked my computer though. I’ll have to use it for it’s intend purpose though! !  !  ! Damn those conniving Indians, giving me all the old stuff, god, they’re connected to the Internet aren’t they! I must create free games. Damn em. Is this just another phase though? Is it a melding of my desire to make art and to programme? If it was that would be pretty cool no? I don’t just want to work for another daft  big company. I want to be in charge, I want to let my creative freedom run lose. That’s the only way to do it isn’t it? Just make something brilliant and job offers should come following. This is what I have to do in my years at Uni., isn’t it? Will they make a low diet pill by then? Will I die? Should I follow my fear and become a genetic engineer in order to live forever? I can do both? Can’t I? Will they have changed it so much? And why haven’t Durham replied? I want an information pack! I want to choose my modules! Damn it, I’m not surrendering to depression, Durham will be everything I want it to be. Comics took forever to become even slightly mature. Why can’t computer games? They’ve got to wait around for me to change them surely? Omicron by David bowie looked pretty damn good for sure, but didn’t have the gamely, I don’t think. Final fantasy is easy, I’d want something where there was actually something at stake. Multiplayer games have that. But with a single player game, it’s much, much harder. What do I write now eh? Do I have to write continuously for three pages? Which remind me, I must , I must what? I must I must improve my bust? Damn I can’t remember. Do morning pages stop you going into fugue’s when you’re writing? Probably not, come to think of it. I need some atmospheric music, or a switch card. They better let me have one, and not bloody refer me to goddamn experiance again. The big bastards.. I’m not out to abuse the system. Maybe they just know I’m going to pay back my depts and they don’t want me. Probably not actually. Damn, damn, damn, them. I’m not going to abuse my credit card.  5 months is enough, they know I’m going to spend stuff. What do they expect me to do? I shouldn’t have spend that amount of money should I? But I want to have a decent camera and all that. I can hardly walk by tiny without thinning about letting them down. Damn native human instincts. Social contract.Which remind me, why am I so scared of sending off that cheque for buying that hard drive case? I should do it tonight! Definitely!!!!! Why don’t I? It’s not hard work.... Why not right now. Cos I’m writing this of course. Have my thoughts slowed down to the level of the text? Who knows. I hope Graham is happy with his CV. It looks much nicer now, but maybe I should have stayed with him and showed him how to use it properly. I thought he was young. Young people should all be able to use computers. They’re thick idiots if they can’t. They’re YOUNG! Sci Fi concepts, I can do them , fun landscapes, done, characters, yeah, kinda. Better than Final Fantasy that’s for sure. Yeah I think so. Let it be so. That seems like enough to write. I seem to be getting better at this. It seemed to go quite quick at the end. Don’t use seemed, I know. I have to expand my vocabulary! !!! ! ! ! ! ! ! Important!!!!

Author information goes here. < That's Me! Or Meg if you want my full name. 
Copyright © 1999 by [weirdscience]. Most rights reserved.
Revised: 27 May 2000 21:14:14 +0100 .